God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
you made out with another girl for some wings
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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