My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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