my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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