That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
