i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
