this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
This is the high leading the old right now
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
