Swine flu. Run for my life!
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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