Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Drunk is not a location!
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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