you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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