wanna go halves on a baby?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
