is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
