My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
