my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
