You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
