Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
