What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
