btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
