My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
