Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
