I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
