i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
