Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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