can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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