Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
