So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Couch. On fire.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
