I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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