The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
