I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
