My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Can you bring me the toilet please
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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