my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Randomize
