he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
