Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
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