No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
