please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
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