so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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