Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
