That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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