Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
