Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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