the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
