I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
