capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
