when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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