Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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