Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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