mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
