please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
