Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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