So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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