Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
