I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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