I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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