Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
